I miss Drew so much.  It hits at certain moments and still overwhelms me.  I am surprised by the grief process and amazed at the depth of impact Drew's life had on mine.  We had John and Angie over last night and they hadn't seen the slide show yet.  They were in Europe when Drew died, so we shared the slide show with them and the special music we played for Drew the day of his service.  That was the first time since the service that I had watched/listened to that.  It hurt so much.  It was a strange realization to see that it hurt so much more yesterday than it had right after it happened.  I had no idea what a salve the shock would be that we were experiencing at the outset.  It occurred to me that perhaps it was harder for all of you to participate in his celebration service than it might have been for us and I was overcome with sadness for all of you.  I just kept saying, "I'm sorry" over and over in my mind thinking of all of you.  I know "sorry" sounds like such a strange thing for me to say, but I am so sorry you all had to hurt so much even though I know we didn't cause it.  I find myself saying sorry to Drew too every time I see a picture of him so sick.  I am so sorry.  Logic can tell me not feel this way, but logic doesn't carry much weight around here these days.

If I had to describe the grief process right now I would say the beauty of what God did through Drew is still there, but in the background.  The reality of his absence is so much more present now than before, as could "logically" be expected I suppose.  It hurts to think of the permanence, and to know that there is no way to speed up the healing.  I wouldn't want to speed up the healing if I could though because that feels like it would distance me from Drew in a way, looking at it through the current stage.  I would have to say I don't really feel depressed, nor do I spend much time in tears throughout the day largely thanks to Peyton, but memories and thoughts of Drew are so near the surface.  Memories are everywhere, and in the most unlikely spots.  I was cleaning out a drawer in the kitchen and there was a bag that had held his nightly meds, and a bottle nipple.  A spoon in the spoon drawer that we frequently used for Drew has become one of Peyton's favorites so it is often out and in use.  There is a vacancy in the backseat every time I get in.  We are planning to go to Zoo Lights tomorrow night and the last time we did was with Drew and Peyton last year.  There are so many more.  I don't mind the memories, nor do I mind the tears that occasionally come because they remind me of how much I love Drew and of how real he was.  I just wish there was some way to bring him back.

We babysat Maggie tonight and Nic and James thoughtfully asked if we felt ok about that.  I have to answer every time that it is always ok.  Both Lincoln and Maggie are loved completely and thoroughly by the three of us.  They will always remind us of Drew, but please don't think that is a bad or hard thing.  As I told Nic and James tonight, I would rather have reason to remember Drew than not to have occasion to think about him.  As I remember him, I feel closer to him and am reminded what it was like to love him.  

Thank you for "listening" to me vent - I feel much better and I hope that as you read our thoughts that you don't feel discouraged by them, but rather, encouraged that we will be ok.  Sadness is ok - there is something so beautiful in it and we are learning so much.  I pray God will bring us through this, but in the meantime, I will enjoy the beauty of the rain, thankful for the growth it can provide.

Thank for your prayers as well - they are still so valuable to us.  We have set up a meeting with Dr. Kahn (metabolics/genetics specialist) for next Thursday at 9:00 a.m. and he mentioned that he thought all the results were back.  We are not very hopeful that we will get a load of good news there - I am trying to prepare myself to possibly hear that we may not have any answers and may not have any basis to make a judgement on our future family hopes.  It feels like this is the safer approach emotionally.  Please pray that God will overwhelm us with peace and guidance and that we will be aware of His goodness and faithfulness as we meet with Dr. Kahn.  We would love to hear some good news.   We will keep you all posted.