I was listening to Christmas music the other day (no surprise there) and found myself crying while driving. The song I was listening to had a line about "May all your Christmas dreams come true." and I just hurt knowing that the one thing we would all give up every Christmas present for, the one thing worth wishing for this Christmas can't come true. I miss that beautiful little Drew.

Nicci

Woven

A couple weeks ago they showed a clip at church of the guy who does 'Laughing your way to a better marriage' and he talked about how different men and women's brains are. You know the whole spaghetti verses waffle thing.....

Anyway, it really got me thinking about how that has some application to the way I think of Drew, the Clark family, the grief process, and so on. The whole situation really is woven into my thoughts. I think of the loss of Drew so often. Mostly when the boys are playing together. It hurts me so much to think that Peyton had this and now he doesn't. It hurts me to know that Kari and Jordan watched Peyton and Drew interact and they felt that indescribable joy that a parent feels when they see their children laughing and playing with each other. I think of Peyton and how he has always loved being around other kids and pray for him to have the best little buddies a kid can possibly have. I pray for a best friend for him at church, kindergarten, where ever it may be to help fill the void of Drew. I have many friends who didn't have siblings and they didn't care, but it's hard to miss what you've never had. And all of us in this family have siblings, we know the memories that were made with them. So I pray. I pray for friends and hopefully another sibling some day. I thought about getting him a puppy for Christmas, but wasn't sure how that would go over:)

Right now for me, I feel like my thoughts are not directly of Drew, but of life without Drew. Everyday I wonder how Kari and Jordan are doing. I wonder what it is like for them at church and around their friends. And by the way, I think you have done a good job of letting us into those feelings - I just think of your journey so often. Sorry doesn't begin to describe how bad I feel that your heart has to ache that bad. I stop and pray for you guys through out the day. I stop and think of you all the time. People are always telling me, and I'm sure the rest of you too, that they appreciate their children so much more because of Drew. Well, I don't know if it's because of the way I'm wired or because I am so much closer to the situation than they are but I have gone so far past appreciation that I experience a sense of guilt often for our children. My thoughts on those feelings get all jumbled when I try to put it into words. In a nut shell it's just not fair. I am trying to turn my feelings of frustration into motivation to be a better Christian, to cherish relationships, and to challenge myself to show more and more love.

Back to woven. I believe it is worth thinking about the difference in men (Dennis you might be an odd ball to this) and women's brains may affect the grief process. I know that Kevin and I grieve differently and it's not that one of us aches more than the other. We just ache differently. He aches for Kari as his beloved sibling and for Jordan as a father. While I ache as a mother, a pregnant emotional one right now. Kevin stores his in a box and mine is intertwined. It's just interesting.

Well on a much lighter note and if you are needing a laugh right now. Watch this video clip, it is very enlightening and funny all at the same time. Love you all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxtUH_bHBxs

some thoughts I have had lately

On Nov 16, our church celebrated kid's day with small kids up front and videos of the 3 new babies in the church and their families. All 3 of the families with new babies had an older sibling in the pictures and I thought of Drew and Peyton and ended up crying with pain for Kari and Jordan and us knowing that we would be missing that. I consciously decided to be happy for those families and not blame anyone. It took work to replace my sadness with joy for others.

Nov 17, I recorded this thought. I think of Drew every day many times a day and find myself even dreaming about him. My pain is still present and includes pain for Kari and Jordan and the loss of dreams for their family. I continue to wear Drew's picture pin and am not sure if or when I will stop. I want to remember him often. Guess I don't want the grief process to end yet.

Grandad

I miss Drew so much.  It hits at certain moments and still overwhelms me.  I am surprised by the grief process and amazed at the depth of impact Drew's life had on mine.  We had John and Angie over last night and they hadn't seen the slide show yet.  They were in Europe when Drew died, so we shared the slide show with them and the special music we played for Drew the day of his service.  That was the first time since the service that I had watched/listened to that.  It hurt so much.  It was a strange realization to see that it hurt so much more yesterday than it had right after it happened.  I had no idea what a salve the shock would be that we were experiencing at the outset.  It occurred to me that perhaps it was harder for all of you to participate in his celebration service than it might have been for us and I was overcome with sadness for all of you.  I just kept saying, "I'm sorry" over and over in my mind thinking of all of you.  I know "sorry" sounds like such a strange thing for me to say, but I am so sorry you all had to hurt so much even though I know we didn't cause it.  I find myself saying sorry to Drew too every time I see a picture of him so sick.  I am so sorry.  Logic can tell me not feel this way, but logic doesn't carry much weight around here these days.

If I had to describe the grief process right now I would say the beauty of what God did through Drew is still there, but in the background.  The reality of his absence is so much more present now than before, as could "logically" be expected I suppose.  It hurts to think of the permanence, and to know that there is no way to speed up the healing.  I wouldn't want to speed up the healing if I could though because that feels like it would distance me from Drew in a way, looking at it through the current stage.  I would have to say I don't really feel depressed, nor do I spend much time in tears throughout the day largely thanks to Peyton, but memories and thoughts of Drew are so near the surface.  Memories are everywhere, and in the most unlikely spots.  I was cleaning out a drawer in the kitchen and there was a bag that had held his nightly meds, and a bottle nipple.  A spoon in the spoon drawer that we frequently used for Drew has become one of Peyton's favorites so it is often out and in use.  There is a vacancy in the backseat every time I get in.  We are planning to go to Zoo Lights tomorrow night and the last time we did was with Drew and Peyton last year.  There are so many more.  I don't mind the memories, nor do I mind the tears that occasionally come because they remind me of how much I love Drew and of how real he was.  I just wish there was some way to bring him back.

We babysat Maggie tonight and Nic and James thoughtfully asked if we felt ok about that.  I have to answer every time that it is always ok.  Both Lincoln and Maggie are loved completely and thoroughly by the three of us.  They will always remind us of Drew, but please don't think that is a bad or hard thing.  As I told Nic and James tonight, I would rather have reason to remember Drew than not to have occasion to think about him.  As I remember him, I feel closer to him and am reminded what it was like to love him.  

Thank you for "listening" to me vent - I feel much better and I hope that as you read our thoughts that you don't feel discouraged by them, but rather, encouraged that we will be ok.  Sadness is ok - there is something so beautiful in it and we are learning so much.  I pray God will bring us through this, but in the meantime, I will enjoy the beauty of the rain, thankful for the growth it can provide.

Thank for your prayers as well - they are still so valuable to us.  We have set up a meeting with Dr. Kahn (metabolics/genetics specialist) for next Thursday at 9:00 a.m. and he mentioned that he thought all the results were back.  We are not very hopeful that we will get a load of good news there - I am trying to prepare myself to possibly hear that we may not have any answers and may not have any basis to make a judgement on our future family hopes.  It feels like this is the safer approach emotionally.  Please pray that God will overwhelm us with peace and guidance and that we will be aware of His goodness and faithfulness as we meet with Dr. Kahn.  We would love to hear some good news.   We will keep you all posted.

Nurse Melanie's Thoughts

Melanie wrote us a card this week and I have to share this with you all.  She was Drew's nurse the last Sunday.

Dear Kari and Jordan,

I'm writing to let you know all of your nurses continue to think of and pray for you both, and for Drew and Peyton.  We all still speak of Drew and the privilege we had to be part of his journey and what an affect he had on all who he came in contact with.

I continue to be in awe at the many strengths that both you and your extended families showed during our times with you.  Your clear demonstration of what true unconditional love is, what it looks like in action and not only in words.  Kari and Jordan - the ability and courage you showed to continually be so selfless through all the many difficult decisions you had to make for Drew.  I know you'd probably say - that's what parents do, but I hope you really appreciate in yourselves the inner strength that must have taken to do.  The way your parents supported both of you, Drew, and Peyton was truly amazing to watch.  Drew always knew he was loved, every minute of every day.  What a gift that is for a child!  You both have an extraordinary gift to be so open, to articulate your feelings, worries and fears, even in the most difficult situation.  

Of course your deep faith was palpable whenever in the presence of Drew and your family.  Even  being a young couple - you are both wise beyond your years.  This faith along with Drew's ability to continually forgive us and smile after each poke, medical intervention or seizure, has had a profound affect on me in a personal way.

Without going into too much detail - as a result of my time with both of you and Drew, I am starting the process of trying to bring some healing to a significant relationship in my life.  Your actions truly showed unconditional love, and Drew showed me forgiveness.  I have been inspired to try and find some inner courage to develop a new relationship with my estranged brother.  For various reasons - all of which I saw as unforgivable, irreparable - he has barely been an acquaintance to me and my family.  This was something I saw as unchangeable, immovable.  But after seeing how you both- and your families - demonstrated love in your life - I have been inspired to try and create change.  Now I see a possibility of having some healing and peace in my family.  Of course there is no guarantee of a positive outcome - but I never would have tried before.

I hope this was okay I shared this with you both, but I had to express my gratitude to you Kari and Jordan and of course Drew.  Thank You.

Praying for you both - continued faith, strength and love.

Sincerely,

Melanie

posted by Grandad - Dec 6, 2008

Tomorrow will be Marnie's birthday and 10 weeks since Drew died. An hour doesn't go by that I still don't think of Drew. I have pictures up at my desk at work and at home just to enjoy seeing pictures of him. I still wear his picture button at work. Not sure when I will stop. For now, I like it when people ask about the picture and I can tell them what a special youngest grandson I have. Drew is still touching lives of others. It helps me to talk about Drew still.

4 weeks after Drew died, I had the privilege of speaking to our church family and talked about the ways that I saw God involved in Drew's life and death. Note that this is from my perspective. I am sure God has lots more that I haven't a clue about. I called these "God incidents" rather than what the world calls coincidence. Here are a few that I saw and still see:

- Kari and Jordan in the room without the rest of the family as Drew took his last breath
- the last supper (Chinese) - a celebration, little did we know this would be the "last supper"
- Kevin, Mark, Nicole, and Lincoln leaving on Tuesday, the last day that Drew was awake
- the dead bird lesson a few hours after Drew died
- the dead worm lesson a couple hours after Drew died
- Melanie and Jane on duty on Drew's last day
- no life support decision having to be made
- Dr. Kirten flying home early to be at the funeral
- Drew dying on Sunday - the day we remember Jesus and now we can remember and honor both of them
- Colin leading a prayer session for the first time
- a preacher's wife in AR relating how they prayed the day that Drew died
- David preaching here in Bozeman the day Drew died and using pictures of Drew and lessons about Drew to encourage our church family
- Delaney and her Mom coming to the prayer meeting
- many nurses and doctors and social workers and other staff coming to the funeral
- hospital staff's love for Drew and family and saying so
- many work setting touches where people really cared and were changed
- Kevin Clark's friends that wanted to learn more about "living Christianity"
- Jane interested in Jesus and the church
- Meagan talking about the power of faith in our family and wanting to go out on the street corners and tell people, "you need to get your faith now, because someday you are going to need it!"
- people praying all over Cananda, US, Japan, India, Africa
- Tanya being exposed to real live Chrisitanity
- Stephen Ames and his coach Sean and families

So, tell me that God is not real, that he is not interested in our lives and that he doesn't participate or answer prayer?? My faith has been strengthened.

Drew was given a specific purpose in life. These are just some of the purposes (God incidents) that I see. God really knows the full purpose and it may be something down the road several years. Drew can say, "I have run the race, I have finished my task on earth. I have touched many people in my life. I have completed my purpose"

I love that little boy Drew.

Grandad

The day we got home from India I was walking across my kitchen to sit down at the table, and as I glanced toward the refrigerator I saw the picture of Drew we have up there, the one where he is smiling so delightedly while lying on a bed in Florida with his Grandma. I felt a strong pang of sadness, and I was surprised at how suddenly my entire focus was on Drew--it was as if he filled my entire field of view, like he was all I could see. It then struck me that that picture is how I remember him. I remember him laughing, smiling that huge smile, giggling. When I stop to think about him more, I remember him looking beautiful while sleeping later on, but my first mental image of him is of him smiling and laughing. I am so thankful for that.